this is will be last entry for 2009 - and prolly the most painful thing i have ever written to date.
Lan and i are no longer together.
and please stop imagining things, nobody cheated on anybody and stuff like that.
i hear people screaming 'happy new year' and trust me, im not having a good or happy start. i still love lan very much. he has given me 5 of the most beautiful and happiest years of my life. and i know he tries hard to be an all-rounder. but we are both humans, and miscommunications do happen.
in the last few weeks leading to our split, a lot of things has happened. the ride became way too bumpy and i was at my wits end as to how i should handle everything. everything became an issue. but the biggest issue was time. a precious commodity that neither of us have for each other. so hence the battle over small matters which escalated into huge rows. very unreal but it did happen.
it saddens me because we barely fight but when we do, its almost doomsday. unfortunately, we fought more than we talk nowadays. i do take my fair share of the blame, because it takes two hands to clap. but like any other couple madly in love, we tried our very best to work things out. this time round, perhaps it was better if we took a break.
im also using this time to heal myself. not my heart, but MYSELF.
2010, im going to be 26yrs old. im done with the facade and pretenses. i want to heal, inside then out. its going to be hard but i will jolly well try. i need to seek for ALLAH for i have forgotten what it is like to be His servant. I need to seek solace and serenity. I need to find my redemption. Simply said, i need to get myself back together and on track.
No more messing around, no more excuses.
and most importantly, i need to learn to have a little patience.
maybe, in future, we will both find someone new.. or when we are both adult enough to realise that perhaps, we still love each other, there might still be a wedding with our names next to each other.
Mohd. Roslan Rahmat, you carved your name in my heart. Permanently.
Labels: 2009, rosazlin
motivation comes in the weirdest forms, no? ive always loved the idea of owning my own car but hate the idea of having to drive. lately, ive been feelin a wee bit more motivated than usual. so motivated that i will prolly enrol soon. SSDC is my school of choice, because come march 2010, they are moving to a location near my place!
yessar!
im taking manual. because someone advised me that i should learn to control the car before anything else. speed and power is no playing matter. sure we have lotsa ATVs in the market but we all know how that is. Go into 'Drive' and just hit the accelerator. sedap eh. suspect kuat lalai tros masok longkang.
i know manual will be hard for me. action reaction super slow. but imagine the rewards i will get when the day comes in which i finally pass. =) success at its sweetest.
Labels: driving, manual, motivation, ssdc
there is a big possibility that i might just shut down this blog.
truth be told i do not really feel like blogging much lately. im not sure if its just me (and whatever it is that im going through now) or maybe because blogger is a menopausal bitch a good 75% of the time. so yes, thats a pretty good reason to begin with.
it also does not help much when i do not feel like sharing any info about my life anymore. or at least on this blog. there will be idiots who do not matter reading my entries when the initial idea was for friends and family. people who do matter will merely have to call or text me to be filled in. fair enough right?
im also going through a void. yes, im being very the emo lately and i will prolly go through a withdrawal/meltdown in the near future. as much as im trying to stay clam, composed and together, please do not be suprised if i get reduced to a tearful, screaming lunatic. im headed that direction so it seems. ok not headed. speeding.
as much as everything bothers me right now, im trying to stay positive.
i have a ton of things i wanna do come 2010 and it will start with a small project, which is my room. im in the midst of packing and cleaning up because life does do on. my room is my sanctuary away from life and its insanities so like me, it will be changed. i guess this is a small start to what i hope will be a more fruitful year.
so we shall see if this blog survives the chopping board. until then..
Labels: 2010, blogger, life
im listening to Aqasha's Embun now.. i just wanted to share the lyrics.. because its sooo deep and meaningful.. to all those who are searching for their love.. instead of looking far and wide, look at the person in front of you =)
Dari bibir
Kancah yang menyiksa
Telah tersua cinta kita
Usah dikau cuba menyangkalnya
Kutahu kau merasa apa yang kurasa
Katakanlah
Mentera apakah
Mengobar bara di hatimu
Kau rela korban sebuah asmara
Demi merandai perjuanganmu
Embun... andai takdir
Kita tak bersama
Selama jasad masih bernyawa
Tak mungkin kau kan kulupa
Embun... andai takdir
Memisahkan kita
Tak bersatu di bumi yang fana
Kudamba dikau di syurga
Oh...
Kaulah cahaya menerangi kegelapan
Kau kekuatan di kala mumur impian
Andai kau gugur malah tiada bernisan
Takkan kau pudar di ingatan
Embun... andai takdir
Kita tak bersama
Selama jasad masih bernyawa
Tak mungkin kau kulupa
Embun... andai takdir
Memisahkan kita
Tak bersatu di bumi yang fana
Kudamba dikau di syurga
Kudamba dikau di syurga
Nun di syurga
Labels: embun, songs
ALL I CAN SAY IS,
WHATEVER THE OUTCOME, I ACCEPT.
I AM HOWEVER, LEANING TOWARDS FREEDOM.
SIMPLY BECAUSE I AM EXHAUSTED.
Labels: feelings
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